Dancing in the Twilight

Earlier today, I was asked how one would go about creating a series of films with a loyal fanbase, such as Twilight. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the series (owing to the fact you aren’t a 12 year old girl, which is what caused that kerfuffle with the police a few years back), allow me to break down the franchise for you.

Bella is a girl. She likes Edward, who is a boy, and played by Robert Pattinson. This is the story’s state of equilibrium and is something that teenagers do, alongside drinking Smirnoff Ice to look cool and stabbing people.

However, throwing some disruption into an otherwise straightforward narrative is the minor issue that Eddie happens to be a vampire. This rather restricts the boundaries of their relationship, causing Bella to mope around in a strop. Constantly. For three films (with two more currently in production).

It sounds absurd, but it is in fact a winning formula. The third installment has just opened in the US to an absurd amount of money, just six months after the last one scaled impressive heights. And as a mathematician (I got an A in GCSE maths in 2004, thus rendering me fully qualified), I decided to see if there was logic to the madness.

And you know what? There is.

Allow me to elaborate.

‘a’ = sulking teenagers. To a, we add (b-c), an independent sum of ‘b’ (Robert Pattinson) with the subtraction of ‘c’ (a shirt), and from the overall total we remove ‘d’ (any semblence of a plot). Therefore, a+(b-c)-d = x (commercial success).

x is of course equal to two units of ‘m,’ denoting ‘money.’ Rest assured; there is no relation to Fritz Lang’s 1931 masterpiece.

From this, we can extrapolate the equation x multiplied ten times by the unit of ‘y’ (the installment number of the series, e.g. New Moon = 2), which is itself multiplied by ‘m’. We are thus left with a final overall equation:

A successful film franchise = 10my – s

‘s’, of course, denotes a sense of shame.

Twilight: Eclipse is released in the UK this Friday. I fully encourage you to go and see it, thus proving me completely right.


~ by chrispresswell on July 6, 2010.

One Response to “Dancing in the Twilight”

  1. I think the whole Twilight series is a bit scary…
    Firstly because it is raising young women’s hope in men.. I mean really.. never has a man said to me “just you breathing is a gift to me,” I have also sadly never been referred to as a man’s “personal brand of heroin”.
    Secondly the film weirdly condones domestic violence, one of the “werewolves” clawed his girlfriend’s face, but you know it’s ok because he “just lost control”.
    And on a final note it will be interesting to see if the UK’s teen pregnancy rates fall as the films feature no sex whatsoever, even though the gurning female lead seems to be gagging for it the whole way through.. But maybe it’s because the books were written by a Moron, sorry I mean Mormon.
    Saying that I have seen it 4 times, what can I say that vampire sure is dreamy. *sigh*.

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