The Story of Simon Cowell.

Once upon a time in the land of Independent Televisionia 1, there lived a little orange man called Simon Cowell.

Simon was a music mogul, and a judge on an alarmingly popular TV talent contest. Every week, he would show off his trademark nastiness to its contestants. “You were rubbish,” he would cry! The members of the public stupid enough to watch would either laugh in agreement, or boo at him in anger.

But one week, Simon encountered something that, until then, he could never have imagined in the very worst of his nightmares. Before him stood what could only be explained as the result of chemical warfare-gone-wrong; two blonde identiclones with hair that defied gravity, who went by the names John and Edward. Together, they were ‘John and Edward.’

Simon despised them for their talents, or lack thereof. After a particularly dreadful rendition of Ricky Martin’s She Bangs in which they failed to remain in tune with each other – let alone the music – he publicly labelled them ‘the two horrors.’ Counting had always been his forté.

Unbeknownst to him, there was a movement stirring within the viewing public. For while many watched this weekly debacle with eager anticipation, there were a growing number who were increasingly irritated at the way the manufacturing process of the music industry was becoming so easily accepted by so many. Some were merely infuriated by the unnecessary key change added to the horrendous cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, released by the previous year’s winner at the hands of the powerful orange one. And thus began the uprising.

Many began voting for John and Edward via the phone-ins out of sheer spite for Cowell. They believed that affording them a real chance of winning the contest would upset him, and show up the programme to the masses for the debauchery that it was.

Week after week, they voted in their droves and Cowell became progressively more and more upset. During one edition, he even attempted to stop the backlash by proclaiming to have actually enjoyed their performance of the Ghostbusters theme. But even this didn’t stop the movement from growing.

Tired, dejected and miserable, Simon gave up his attempt to quash John and Edward’s supporters, and accepted the inevitable; he would be forced to record and release an album for the talentless creatures. He was not very happy.

And so it came to pass that John and Edward won the sixth edition of The X Factor. The campaigners had done it! They danced in the streets and made their joy known to one and all; for they had defeated the mighty music machine.

Poor Simon returned home and wept at the public’s decision. The same public he had served for years, providing them with artists such as Robson and Jerome. He felt used, betrayed and abandoned.

But then he remembered that his production company, SycoTV, received a massive cut of the phone-in profits, which ran into millions of pounds. So he stopped giving a shit.

The end.


~ by chrispresswell on November 17, 2009.

One Response to “The Story of Simon Cowell.”

  1. You’re the new George Eliot.

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