The End of an Error

Rejoice! It was announced this morning that Channel 4 will not be renewing Big Brother when their contract with Endemol expires next year – and it really will signify the end of an era.

The show that has single-handedly caused the demise of quality television and allowed the sight of idiots shouting at each other to be deemed ‘entertainment’ is finally coming to an end, but will leave a four month gap in Channel 4’s heavily Big Brother-orientated schedules. It awaits to be seen how they choose to fill the void, but here are my ideas and suggestions for some inevitable hits:

Four D-list celebrities and Big Brother housemates compete simultaneously in front of a studio audience to commit the showiest suicide live on air. Viewers at home get to join in by hitting the red button and choosing whose demise to watch, and the bereaved relatives of the celeb with highest viewing figures win a caravan. Hosted by Vernon Kay, for an added sense of self-loathing.

Cheap and easy to make, Phone-In consists purely of two premium rate phone numbers charged at £1.50 a minute, displayed on a title card for an hour. The phone number that receives the most calls wins, and goes on to face a different phone number next week. Admittedly, this is more likely to fall within ITV’s remit.

Like Come Dine with Me, but for bastards. Four brides attend each others’ weddings and attempt to ruin their magic day by awarding points and complaining about everything including the dress, food and relatives using a xenophobic array of insults. The bride who awards points the most tactically to the others wins a free honeymoon.

Oh, hang on…

Danny Dyer fronts an hour where six of his best mock-cockney mates attempt to discover which of them is the ‘ardest by taking it in turns to beat him up. This will always end in a tie, and require a re-match in the following week’s episode, forcing the series to continue until the coming apocalypse.

Twelve wannabe models and irritating tosspots are dropped off on a desert island where they must survive for three months on a bare minimum of sand and water. Every week, somebody is voted off by the viewing public, and subsequently sacrificed and eaten by the remaining contestants. The series’ eventual winner receives a lifetime of free counselling.

A single camera stares at an empty room, 24 hours a day. Absolutely nothing happens, but millions tune in out of sheer curiosity, gripped to their television set and awaiting an insect to pass the screen so that they can complain about it to Points of View.

Each week, an attractive but insecure twenty-something female is forcibly shown photoshopped pictures of actresses and glamour models, and repeatedly shouted at for being ugly by Amanda Platell in an attempt to make her break down and cry on television. If scheduled correctly, she can then be whisked to the studio next door and appear on Celebrity Suicide.

Every home in Britain is forced to have a camera attached to their freeview box, and spends an hour watching a random stranger live their life, eat their food and scratch their balls. Meanwhile, another complete stranger watches you doing the same thing, and a chain is formed around the country. It’s simple but compelling, though it is limited to a lifespan of 60 million episodes.

Endemol put out a casting call for their latest show, billed as the NEXT BIG BROTHER, and require half a million idiots to send in audition tapes. The show is subsequently cancelled, but the audition tapes are broadcast in full to accurately display the level of idiocy this country has to offer. This will also be the first show beamed into space, serving as a warning against any potential alien races not to bother visiting.

The sad truth is that several of these are probably already in development. But the fact remains that with the demise of Big Brother, things really are looking up. The reality TV bubble is finally starting to burst, and maybe – just maybe – we might see a return of the thought-provoking and well-rounded documentaries this abortion of a show killed off.


~ by chrispresswell on August 26, 2009.

2 Responses to “The End of an Error”

  1. You forgot to add:

    Am I more liked than…?
    (Hosted by Vernon Kaye)

    This will be a half hour show, where the first 20 minutes are a ‘best of’ compilation about someone famous. Mussolini, Shipman… Russell Brand all would be used. The last 10 minutes would just be a close-up of Kaye. At the end of the show, the audience chooses who they would rather have over for tea and ol’ Vernon gets to cry himself to sleep again! 🙂

  2. It’s interesting to note that since I wrote this, this has materialized on the BBC News website:

    It looks like Channel 4 really are getting their act together. Impressive.

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