Six New Ways to Make Yourself Ill.

No doubt by now you’ve heard about Walkers‘ latest publicity stunt, but on the off chance you’re one of the lucky ones, prepare to be sucked in.

Following a competition they ran last year inviting members of the public to develop a new flavour of the potato-based snack, Walkers have chosen and produced six finalists and are encouraging the nation to vote for their favourite, with the winner subsequently going into full time production. Or so the press release says.

My guess is that they’ve decided to hold a vote as they’re all so bloody horrible.

With an array of flavours including Crispy Duck, Fish & Chips and traditional Cajun Squirrel, there should in theory be something for everyone. And, ever willing to commit acts of self-torment, I decided to try the lot.

Cajun Squirrel

Certainly the quirkiest of the batch (and the one most likely to shift a few packets out of curiosity regarding the taste of the Eurasian Red), opening the bag leads to an overwhelming scent of Monster Munch. Taking a bite sadly provides no major revelations as you encounter a crisp that is all Cajun, and no Squirrel.

Unless squirrel tastes of slightly stale crisps, in which case it is a resounding success. But I suspect not, and you’re better off buying a packet of Monster Munch in the first place. This option would also save you around 20 pence.

Crispy Duck & Hoisin

The fact that you’ve probably never encountered Crispy Duck-flavoured crisps while about in Chinatown should be heeded as a warning here, with the instant aroma of a public toilet hitting you in the face within seconds of the opening the pack. When I eventually managing to eat one, it resulted in a failed attempt to cough it back up.

It’s now two hours later and I can still taste the blasted thing.

Chilli & Chocolate

Whoever came up with this one doesn’t deserve to live.

Smelling like an empty crisp packet left out on the street, eating one greets you with a slightly chocolatey and thoroughly disgusting tinge. It’s a bit like adding diet coke to cocoa powder instead of milk, and throwing in some paprika for good measure – not only does it not work, it’s just wrong.

Fish & Chips

I can’t eat fish, so this was always going to be the difficult one. Having managed to resist the gag-reflex brought on by their ghastly smell, I only managed to get through one of them.

They taste a bit like licking a chip shop floor before necking a bottle of vinegar for good measure, whilst bizarrely manage to omit any sign of the actual chips at all – a particular achievement for something made from potatoes. These are without doubt the single most disgusting things I’ve ever eaten.

Builder’s Breakfast

Trying to work out what exactly these taste of is a tricky task – Walkers don’t seem to be entirely sure themselves, with descriptions varying between their website and the back of the packaging. One thing’s for sure, though – they taste of rotten eggs. There’s also a hint of butter, just to ensure a heightened cholesterol level and that you suffer a coronary before reaching the bottom of the bag.

Onion Bhaji

The most successful of the bunch, in that it actually tastes vaguely reminiscent of what it says on the outside. It’s still horrible, but it does earn bonus points by providing an aftertaste not dissimilar to the smell in your dining room following a takeaway – the lingering smell of spiced food, blended with the disinfectant you used to get rid of it.

It’s very easy for me to sit here and register my disgust at the whole thing but, at the end of the day, Walkers are onto a bit of a winner here. They’ve at least got my £2.70, just as lots of people have parted with their cash for the privilege of trying this rubbish. Whether the winning flavour sells by the bucketload once the polls are closed will remain to be seen, but in the mean time which one gets my vote?

I think that sums up my feelings appropriately.

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~ by chrispresswell on March 1, 2009.

2 Responses to “Six New Ways to Make Yourself Ill.”

  1. ha found you 🙂

  2. I just Googled make yourself ill and clicked the link to here, to help you stay there in your well-deserved place on the first page of results.

    I also read your article. I like it. I think it’s good.

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