Living on the Edge

Sometimes I stumble across something that really makes me worry about the world.

Living TV is one of the many channels you have, but have never bothered to watch. It’s not quite as dire as Virgin 1 (who are currently developing Crunch Time with Antony Worrall-Thompson – no, really), but it does stick out like a sore thumb in the bleak pointlessness of multi-channel television. It also has an accompanying Living+1.

The idea of +1 channels is, in principle, a good one. If you stumble across something interesting that started 20 minutes ago, you have the option to catch it from the beginning an hour later. But what happens if you bumble in late to Passport Patrol on its delayed-scheduled counterpart?

Well, Living TV – an ironic choice of name, given that its schedule consists mostly of CSI, Most Haunted and Jade Goody – have solved a problem that, in their case, doesn’t really exist.

Behold Living TV+2. Congratulations – you now have three chances a day not to watch America’s Next Top Model! Welcome to the 21st century equivalent of ‘progress.’

And that’s only the beginning.

One of Living’s imports is American talk show Maury. If you’ve never seen it (which you haven’t), imagine Jeremy Kyle on steroids. Most of the people dragged out of the gutter and exploited on it are so full of despair that even the set has been designed to incorporate some steps they can run up, and repeatedly bang their heads on the floor at the top. It’s then so full of language unsuitable for broadcast that the programme makers have had to assign different pitched bleeps for viewers to distinguish which nutcase is swearing. It’s self-righteous programming at its finest.

It does however buck the trend with most of the participants still being alive – though admittedly, they probably won’t be for very long.

You can watch this circus sideshow every morning at 8am, just to kick-start your day with a veritable ‘I hate the world’ feeling, and you can then catch it again at 9am and 10am. That is, by definition, how these channels work.

But then at noon the SAME EPISODE is REPEATED on the first channel, starting the three hour hatefest all over again. We’ve reached a point in the space-time continuum where it is somehow deemed acceptable for the same piece of car crash television to be shown six times in seven hours. It seems to me that we’ve got so much choice that we must finally be reaching saturation point, where all these channels begin to collapse upon the inevitable self-realisation of just how pointless they are – and it really couldn’t come too soon.

Fire. The wheel. Living TV+2. The cavemen would be proud.

Six New Ways to Make Yourself Ill.

No doubt by now you’ve heard about Walkers‘ latest publicity stunt, but on the off chance you’re one of the lucky ones, prepare to be sucked in.

Following a competition they ran last year inviting members of the public to develop a new flavour of the potato-based snack, Walkers have chosen and produced six finalists and are encouraging the nation to vote for their favourite, with the winner subsequently going into full time production. Or so the press release says.

My guess is that they’ve decided to hold a vote as they’re all so bloody horrible.

With an array of flavours including Crispy Duck, Fish & Chips and traditional Cajun Squirrel, there should in theory be something for everyone. And, ever willing to commit acts of self-torment, I decided to try the lot.

Cajun Squirrel

Certainly the quirkiest of the batch (and the one most likely to shift a few packets out of curiosity regarding the taste of the Eurasian Red), opening the bag leads to an overwhelming scent of Monster Munch. Taking a bite sadly provides no major revelations as you encounter a crisp that is all Cajun, and no Squirrel.

Unless squirrel tastes of slightly stale crisps, in which case it is a resounding success. But I suspect not, and you’re better off buying a packet of Monster Munch in the first place. This option would also save you around 20 pence.

Crispy Duck & Hoisin

The fact that you’ve probably never encountered Crispy Duck-flavoured crisps while about in Chinatown should be heeded as a warning here, with the instant aroma of a public toilet hitting you in the face within seconds of the opening the pack. When I eventually managing to eat one, it resulted in a failed attempt to cough it back up.

It’s now two hours later and I can still taste the blasted thing.

Chilli & Chocolate

Whoever came up with this one doesn’t deserve to live.

Smelling like an empty crisp packet left out on the street, eating one greets you with a slightly chocolatey and thoroughly disgusting tinge. It’s a bit like adding diet coke to cocoa powder instead of milk, and throwing in some paprika for good measure – not only does it not work, it’s just wrong.

Fish & Chips

I can’t eat fish, so this was always going to be the difficult one. Having managed to resist the gag-reflex brought on by their ghastly smell, I only managed to get through one of them.

They taste a bit like licking a chip shop floor before necking a bottle of vinegar for good measure, whilst bizarrely manage to omit any sign of the actual chips at all – a particular achievement for something made from potatoes. These are without doubt the single most disgusting things I’ve ever eaten.

Builder’s Breakfast

Trying to work out what exactly these taste of is a tricky task – Walkers don’t seem to be entirely sure themselves, with descriptions varying between their website and the back of the packaging. One thing’s for sure, though – they taste of rotten eggs. There’s also a hint of butter, just to ensure a heightened cholesterol level and that you suffer a coronary before reaching the bottom of the bag.

Onion Bhaji

The most successful of the bunch, in that it actually tastes vaguely reminiscent of what it says on the outside. It’s still horrible, but it does earn bonus points by providing an aftertaste not dissimilar to the smell in your dining room following a takeaway – the lingering smell of spiced food, blended with the disinfectant you used to get rid of it.

It’s very easy for me to sit here and register my disgust at the whole thing but, at the end of the day, Walkers are onto a bit of a winner here. They’ve at least got my £2.70, just as lots of people have parted with their cash for the privilege of trying this rubbish. Whether the winning flavour sells by the bucketload once the polls are closed will remain to be seen, but in the mean time which one gets my vote?

I think that sums up my feelings appropriately.

Long Live Rock

On the day that London’s legendary Astoria hosts it’s final gig before being demolished for a £16 Billion rail project that the country can’t really afford, this seems incredibly apt listening. We’re also at least losing the LA2 and the Metro Club (the Borderline doesn’t look too safe, either) in favour of a giant ticket hall at Tottenham Court Road, and it’s looking increasingly likely that there won’t actually be anything left to visit once you get there. Pretty soon the only places in London to see live music will be your soulless o2 arenas.

Rock is dead. Long live rock.

I’ll see you in the Keith Moon bar afterwards to trash the place. It’s what he would have wanted.

The London Trailer

Enjoy.

Jokerized trailer photos

Those of you who’ve visited in the past few days have probably been met with a message, saying my bandwidth has expired. 100GB of traffic in under a week. That’s a first!
Anyway, I’ve zipped all the photos and stuck them in a file that you can download from here. It’s not ideal, but it’ll do for now.

Also, I should be posting the video I have of my copy here soon. It’s missing the beginning (there wasn’t enough of a leader to thread the whole thing through the projector and catch the beginning the time that I filmed it), but again- better than nothing.