Oh, God…

A few days ago, I came up with some absurd ideas for television shows that could replace Big Brother. This wasn’t one of them.

I am actually speechless.

The End of an Error

Rejoice! It was announced this morning that Channel 4 will not be renewing Big Brother when their contract with Endemol expires next year – and it really will signify the end of an era.

The show that has single-handedly caused the demise of quality television and allowed the sight of idiots shouting at each other to be deemed ‘entertainment’ is finally coming to an end, but will leave a four month gap in Channel 4’s heavily Big Brother-orientated schedules. It awaits to be seen how they choose to fill the void, but here are my ideas and suggestions for some inevitable hits:

CELEBRITY SUICIDE: LIVE
Four D-list celebrities and Big Brother housemates compete simultaneously in front of a studio audience to commit the showiest suicide live on air. Viewers at home get to join in by hitting the red button and choosing whose demise to watch, and the bereaved relatives of the celeb with highest viewing figures win a caravan. Hosted by Vernon Kay, for an added sense of self-loathing.

PHONE-IN
Cheap and easy to make, Phone-In consists purely of two premium rate phone numbers charged at £1.50 a minute, displayed on a title card for an hour. The phone number that receives the most calls wins, and goes on to face a different phone number next week. Admittedly, this is more likely to fall within ITV’s remit.

FOUR WEDDINGS
Like Come Dine with Me, but for bastards. Four brides attend each others’ weddings and attempt to ruin their magic day by awarding points and complaining about everything including the dress, food and relatives using a xenophobic array of insults. The bride who awards points the most tactically to the others wins a free honeymoon.

Oh, hang on…

DANNY DYER’S ‘ARDEST MATES
Danny Dyer fronts an hour where six of his best mock-cockney mates attempt to discover which of them is the ‘ardest by taking it in turns to beat him up. This will always end in a tie, and require a re-match in the following week’s episode, forcing the series to continue until the coming apocalypse.

SACRIFICE
Twelve wannabe models and irritating tosspots are dropped off on a desert island where they must survive for three months on a bare minimum of sand and water. Every week, somebody is voted off by the viewing public, and subsequently sacrificed and eaten by the remaining contestants. The series’ eventual winner receives a lifetime of free counselling.

NOTHING: LIVE
A single camera stares at an empty room, 24 hours a day. Absolutely nothing happens, but millions tune in out of sheer curiosity, gripped to their television set and awaiting an insect to pass the screen so that they can complain about it to Points of View.

BRITAIN’S MOST INSECURE
Each week, an attractive but insecure twenty-something female is forcibly shown photoshopped pictures of actresses and glamour models, and repeatedly shouted at for being ugly by Amanda Platell in an attempt to make her break down and cry on television. If scheduled correctly, she can then be whisked to the studio next door and appear on Celebrity Suicide.

PASS IT ON
Every home in Britain is forced to have a camera attached to their freeview box, and spends an hour watching a random stranger live their life, eat their food and scratch their balls. Meanwhile, another complete stranger watches you doing the same thing, and a chain is formed around the country. It’s simple but compelling, though it is limited to a lifespan of 60 million episodes.

AUDITIONS
Endemol put out a casting call for their latest show, billed as the NEXT BIG BROTHER, and require half a million idiots to send in audition tapes. The show is subsequently cancelled, but the audition tapes are broadcast in full to accurately display the level of idiocy this country has to offer. This will also be the first show beamed into space, serving as a warning against any potential alien races not to bother visiting.

The sad truth is that several of these are probably already in development. But the fact remains that with the demise of Big Brother, things really are looking up. The reality TV bubble is finally starting to burst, and maybe – just maybe – we might see a return of the thought-provoking and well-rounded documentaries this abortion of a show killed off.

A Dark Day for Quality Broadcasting

Earlier today, culture secretary Ben Bradshaw outlined plans to share part of the TV licence fee with ITV – a proposal that couldn’t be any more shambolic if it tried.

ITV is supposed to be an independently funded broadcaster. As such, it is supposed to deal with any funding shortfalls via its own means – and that includes the £5.7 million fine incurred from the phone-in scandals.

It doesn’t help that the BBC is still in a somewhat vulnerable position after the non-stop harassment of the Daily Mail – a.k.a. Sachsgate – when the choice daily paper of right-wing nutjobs blew everything out of proportion. They launched a tirade against the corporation and the licence fee, claiming moral outrage, and felt smug as they watched the media circus come to town. As a result, anything the BBC does now comes under rigorous scrutiny.

The plans outlined stated that any funding taken from the licence fee would be spent on public service broadcasting, the result being that ITV Local News could see itself handed £130m from the BBC’s budget. Success, it seems, for the Mail’s campaign.

Except it’s actually a much bigger victory than you might think. All of ITV’s news output is provided by ITN, which is privately owned. Whilst ITV hold the largest share, the Daily Mail themselves own a 20% stake, and would actually benefit if the plans went ahead.

Now let me make this clear – I’m an avid supporter of the TV Licence fee. The BBC is a unique institution that this country is privileged to have, in that it provides creative content without fear of having to keep shareholders happy. It can actually take risks on daring shows that might not necessarily work without fear of losing advertising revenue. Things such as Blue Planet, State of Play and The Office, all of which are almost unanimously loved, but could never have been commissioned by another broadcaster.

For an independent network whose output consists almost solely of reality shows and talent contests to be given a massive amount of public service funding to help cover the cost of its own mistakes would be utterly outrageous, especially given the agenda of those involved.

If the proposals go ahead, then quality broadcasting faces a very dark future indeed.