Oh, God…

A few days ago, I came up with some absurd ideas for television shows that could replace Big Brother. This wasn’t one of them.

I am actually speechless.

The End of an Error

Rejoice! It was announced this morning that Channel 4 will not be renewing Big Brother when their contract with Endemol expires next year – and it really will signify the end of an era.

The show that has single-handedly caused the demise of quality television and allowed the sight of idiots shouting at each other to be deemed ‘entertainment’ is finally coming to an end, but will leave a four month gap in Channel 4’s heavily Big Brother-orientated schedules. It awaits to be seen how they choose to fill the void, but here are my ideas and suggestions for some inevitable hits:

CELEBRITY SUICIDE: LIVE
Four D-list celebrities and Big Brother housemates compete simultaneously in front of a studio audience to commit the showiest suicide live on air. Viewers at home get to join in by hitting the red button and choosing whose demise to watch, and the bereaved relatives of the celeb with highest viewing figures win a caravan. Hosted by Vernon Kay, for an added sense of self-loathing.

PHONE-IN
Cheap and easy to make, Phone-In consists purely of two premium rate phone numbers charged at £1.50 a minute, displayed on a title card for an hour. The phone number that receives the most calls wins, and goes on to face a different phone number next week. Admittedly, this is more likely to fall within ITV’s remit.

FOUR WEDDINGS
Like Come Dine with Me, but for bastards. Four brides attend each others’ weddings and attempt to ruin their magic day by awarding points and complaining about everything including the dress, food and relatives using a xenophobic array of insults. The bride who awards points the most tactically to the others wins a free honeymoon.

Oh, hang on…

DANNY DYER’S ‘ARDEST MATES
Danny Dyer fronts an hour where six of his best mock-cockney mates attempt to discover which of them is the ‘ardest by taking it in turns to beat him up. This will always end in a tie, and require a re-match in the following week’s episode, forcing the series to continue until the coming apocalypse.

SACRIFICE
Twelve wannabe models and irritating tosspots are dropped off on a desert island where they must survive for three months on a bare minimum of sand and water. Every week, somebody is voted off by the viewing public, and subsequently sacrificed and eaten by the remaining contestants. The series’ eventual winner receives a lifetime of free counselling.

NOTHING: LIVE
A single camera stares at an empty room, 24 hours a day. Absolutely nothing happens, but millions tune in out of sheer curiosity, gripped to their television set and awaiting an insect to pass the screen so that they can complain about it to Points of View.

BRITAIN’S MOST INSECURE
Each week, an attractive but insecure twenty-something female is forcibly shown photoshopped pictures of actresses and glamour models, and repeatedly shouted at for being ugly by Amanda Platell in an attempt to make her break down and cry on television. If scheduled correctly, she can then be whisked to the studio next door and appear on Celebrity Suicide.

PASS IT ON
Every home in Britain is forced to have a camera attached to their freeview box, and spends an hour watching a random stranger live their life, eat their food and scratch their balls. Meanwhile, another complete stranger watches you doing the same thing, and a chain is formed around the country. It’s simple but compelling, though it is limited to a lifespan of 60 million episodes.

AUDITIONS
Endemol put out a casting call for their latest show, billed as the NEXT BIG BROTHER, and require half a million idiots to send in audition tapes. The show is subsequently cancelled, but the audition tapes are broadcast in full to accurately display the level of idiocy this country has to offer. This will also be the first show beamed into space, serving as a warning against any potential alien races not to bother visiting.

The sad truth is that several of these are probably already in development. But the fact remains that with the demise of Big Brother, things really are looking up. The reality TV bubble is finally starting to burst, and maybe – just maybe – we might see a return of the thought-provoking and well-rounded documentaries this abortion of a show killed off.

A Dark Day for Quality Broadcasting

Earlier today, culture secretary Ben Bradshaw outlined plans to share part of the TV licence fee with ITV – a proposal that couldn’t be any more shambolic if it tried.

ITV is supposed to be an independently funded broadcaster. As such, it is supposed to deal with any funding shortfalls via its own means – and that includes the £5.7 million fine incurred from the phone-in scandals.

It doesn’t help that the BBC is still in a somewhat vulnerable position after the non-stop harassment of the Daily Mail – a.k.a. Sachsgate – when the choice daily paper of right-wing nutjobs blew everything out of proportion. They launched a tirade against the corporation and the licence fee, claiming moral outrage, and felt smug as they watched the media circus come to town. As a result, anything the BBC does now comes under rigorous scrutiny.

The plans outlined stated that any funding taken from the licence fee would be spent on public service broadcasting, the result being that ITV Local News could see itself handed £130m from the BBC’s budget. Success, it seems, for the Mail’s campaign.

Except it’s actually a much bigger victory than you might think. All of ITV’s news output is provided by ITN, which is privately owned. Whilst ITV hold the largest share, the Daily Mail themselves own a 20% stake, and would actually benefit if the plans went ahead.

Now let me make this clear – I’m an avid supporter of the TV Licence fee. The BBC is a unique institution that this country is privileged to have, in that it provides creative content without fear of having to keep shareholders happy. It can actually take risks on daring shows that might not necessarily work without fear of losing advertising revenue. Things such as Blue Planet, State of Play and The Office, all of which are almost unanimously loved, but could never have been commissioned by another broadcaster.

For an independent network whose output consists almost solely of reality shows and talent contests to be given a massive amount of public service funding to help cover the cost of its own mistakes would be utterly outrageous, especially given the agenda of those involved.

If the proposals go ahead, then quality broadcasting faces a very dark future indeed.

SunTalking out of your Arse.

Jon Gaunt is an obnoxious prick.

Here’s the legal disclaimer. This isn’t a scientifically proven fact (though fret not, they’re working on it), but rather my own personal opinion.

Ergo, I’m exhibiting free speech.

On Monday, The Sun – everybody’s favourite children’s magazine – launched it’s very own online radio station, SunTalk. Billed as the “home of free speech,” Gaunt is fronting their daily three-hour dose of right-wing drivel.

Gaunt was fired from TalkSport in 2008 for calling a councillor a “Nazi” when he defended plans to stop smokers from becoming foster parents with some silly notion about ‘not wanting them to die.’ To be fair, it’s only a short step from imposing a fascist regime and exterminating six million people in cold blood.

Gaunty (as his moronic followers call him) spent the station’s inaugural hour speaking to David Cameron. To his credit, it was no mean feat given how far up Cameron’s bottom he’d managed to lodge his tongue, constantly referring to him as “Prime Minister,” and generally making clear his political stance. So much for Ofcom’s impartiality rules.

But therein lies the problem – Ofcom can’t touch them. As an internet-only broadcaster on a website belonging to a news organization, SunTalk answers to the Press Complaints Commission. It’s something Gaunt keeps proudly banging on about, as it means anybody can say what they like and there will be no repercussions. Take that, glaring face of government oppression!

Except everyone involved seems to have misunderstood what ‘free speech’ actually means. The British people are not oppressed, and anybody in the UK can criticise what the government does without fear of repercussions. That is freedom of speech, unlike in Zimbabwe where being openly critical of those in charge could very well cost you your life. It most certainly is not an excuse to air your ignorant right-wing views.

But let’s roll with it. An hour after he’d left the studio, an older-sounding gentleman phoned in with the view that Cameron hadn’t said enough about the elderly. Great! Only a few hours in, and SunTalk gets its first opportunity for a full-on political debate!

“I disagree,” said Gaunty, before accusing the caller of giving misinformation and promptly cutting him off.

Now ignoring the irony involved of The Sun accusing somebody of ‘misinformation,’ it seems you’re only allowed to express your opinion on the condition that you agree with those in charge – which is exactly what their whole imaginary crusade is supposed to be fighting against!

Ultimately, the station is probably harmless. For the most part, it’s just Sun columnists blabbering on about nonsense in their usual way – one of them expressed their opinion that the government shouldn’t have bailed out the banks, but the football clubs instead. But given it’s only accessible via their website, it should hopefully do nothing more than preach to those already converted.

Though ultimately, everyone involved needs to realise that just because you bang on about ‘free speech,’ it doesn’t give you license to talk out of your arse.

Doner Kebab Pot Noodles, and the Fall of Civilization

There are a number of things that only make sense to students. David Hasselhoff is one of them, and there’s a new addition to the canon courtesy of Pot Noodle.

If you’ve ever eaten a Pot Noodle, you’ll know that they represent one of man’s lesser achievements. They aren’t exactly know for their nutritional value, and the people that eat them tend to be of a somwehat lazy disposition – they are the ones who can’t muster up the energy to boil some noodles and add a few peas. Unilever – the company that owns the brand – have even been running a competition to win a battery-operated spinning fork, just to make sure you don’t accidentally burn a few molecules whilst consuming them.

Likewise, Doner Kebabs are not known for being healthy, but they’re a drunken favourite of many. But what if you’re one of the lazy ones, and can’t be bothered to leave the house for a mountain of fatty goodness?

Well, fret not – you can now delight in the water-soaked atrocity that is a Doner Kebab-flavoured instant noodle snack.

The geniuses at Unilever (and I use the term lightly) have decided that there’s clearly a market for clashing two polar opposites on the taste scale, and have launched their offensive on the general public with one of the worst TV ads I’ve ever seen.

Think about it logically. There’s a reason why you can’t buy noodles in your local kebab shop, or why you’ve never found yourself eating a Doner in Chinatown – the two cannot, and were never meant to be combined.

I talked last week about television having reached saturation point, and perhaps this is the food equivalent. If you can’t come up with something that might actually be appealing, why not put out a product that almost prides itself on the notion of being disgusting? Perhaps it’s a sign of the times, but that’s the only reason anybody could possibly want to taste this car crash of foodstuffs  – and I speak as somebody who has tried Walkers’ full range of revolting crisps.

My only hope is that anybody stupid enough to actually eat one of these is involved in a freak kettle boiling accident, limiting their reproductive capabilities and preserving at least some dignity for the human race.

On another note…
About a month ago I posted the aforementioned article condemning Walkers’ new variety of crisp flavours, and it appears to have generated quite a bit of  traffic to the blog – but not necessarily in a good way.

It turns out that the said article is now the 10th Google result for ‘make yourself ill.’ If that’s what’s brought you here, that really is not cool, and I strongly urge you to reconsider what you’re thinking of doing.

Stay healthy, and lay off the Pot Noodles.